Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
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“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers