Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

I can’t be the only one 😂

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

My plans: 2020:

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

fr

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”