[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
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ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I’m giving up for Lent.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.