Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.