Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Yes, but it was never about money

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh