Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”