Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.