Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.