Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.