Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.