Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not