Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JohnLyonTweets

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

@toastymoe

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

@Pee_And_Giggles

18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!

I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.

@LibelousLurker

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

@EhhBartt

I RT a bunch of awesome stuff. nnBecause its funny. And I needed to hide my tweets from last night.

@beefman138

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

@existentialcoms

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

@myles_morrison

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”

@WilliamAder

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.