Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
That 👊
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”