[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I want to meet the individual who made this
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?