Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!