If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.