ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
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If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..