Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?