Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
*gets down on one knee*
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.