@TheCatWhisprer

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

You Might Also Like

@whereami18

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

@PleaseBeGneiss

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

?: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

@AimeeHelene1

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

@Darlainky

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@AbbyHasIssues

How to put on deodorant:
1. Apply deodorant.
2. Wait two seconds.
3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant.
4. Reapply deodorant.

@MavenofHonor

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

@sixfootcandy

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

@sofarrsogud

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

@conanobrienswyf

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.