Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee


o: I want a tail


?: longer

GENIE: sure


GENIE: dude

@: perfect


Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.


I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.


Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety


How to put on deodorant:
1. Apply deodorant.
2. Wait two seconds.
3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant.
4. Reapply deodorant.


When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station


[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?


Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face


Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.