@TheCatWhisprer

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

- @TheCatWhisprer

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@jakebrodes

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

@weinerdog4life

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

@TheAlexNevil

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

@BradBroaddus

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

@EJGomez

[interrupts pastor]
but jesus was crucified today shouldn’t we call today “Bad Friday” or even “Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday”

@MomofTeen

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

@khachapurim

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

@abbycohenwl

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY