Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

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me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers


Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape


I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.


I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.


I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit


Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!


The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”


My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.