@jakebrodes chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
@TheCatWhisprer Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
- @TheCatWhisprer
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@jakebrodes 
@weinerdog4life The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
@TheAlexNevil If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
@Kendragarden Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
@BradBroaddus I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
@EJGomez [interrupts pastor]
but jesus was crucified today shouldn’t we call today “Bad Friday” or even “Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday”
@MomofTeen Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
@Darlainky I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
@khachapurim I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
@abbycohenwl [knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY