@TheCatWhisprer
@whereami18
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
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@whereami18
@PleaseBeGneiss
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
?: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
@AimeeHelene1
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
@Darlainky
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
@thedad
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
@AbbyHasIssues
How to put on deodorant:
1. Apply deodorant.
2. Wait two seconds.
3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant.
4. Reapply deodorant.
@MavenofHonor
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
@sixfootcandy
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
@sofarrsogud
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
@conanobrienswyf
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.