ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.