@LizHackett

Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

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@MissHavisham

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

@NYC_Blonde

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

@stevevsninjas

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

@Ygrene

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

@shkeeber

Do you hate yourself?
Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs?
Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles?
*hands you a cat*

@1Happytwit

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

@KeetPotato

[my first day as hand dryer salesman]
“this robot dries your hands with noise”

@peteholmes

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

@jackiembouvier

My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.