Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

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Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”


“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.


[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*


[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife


Do you hate yourself?
Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs?
Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles?
*hands you a cat*


Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.


[my first day as hand dryer salesman]
“this robot dries your hands with noise”


train me.
train me.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.


My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.