I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
You Might Also Like
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
She was REALLY feeling it.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
(Musicians.)
Happy Star Wars day!
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”