Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.