[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
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She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.