@flashember

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

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@MelvinofYork

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

@curlycomedy

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

@TheBoydP

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

@robdelaney

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

@moooooog35

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

@NomDeBenoit

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

@Glynner85

The best part about having a muppet for a best friend is that when you’re done singing songs, BOOM free oven mitt.

@northernlivng24

Now that it’s nice out I can drive with my windows down and let the wind ripple my chins.

@parsfarce

me: make food to eat

chefs: make food to make money to buy food

am I the only smart one on this website????