Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
If you run out of toilet paper just use your 2020 Day Planner.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The best part about having a muppet for a best friend is that when you’re done singing songs, BOOM free oven mitt.
Now that it’s nice out I can drive with my windows down and let the wind ripple my chins.
me: make food to eat
chefs: make food to make money to buy food
am I the only smart one on this website????