Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
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ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
That’s what I call a flat tire
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Moms. The original autocorrect.