Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
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If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
