Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
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AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans