Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Herpes is trending, good job people

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

I have never heard an armadillo before.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.