Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on