Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Please do it!

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that