Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
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I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Life cycle of cat
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.