Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
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“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.