Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
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I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
New mindset, who dis?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?