Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
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Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu