Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
SQUARREL
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.