Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.