Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

next level snooze

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.