Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
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My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…