Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
How dramatic are you?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.