Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
You Might Also Like
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.