Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
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“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
lmao
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*