Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

There are usually two types of merchants.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk