Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
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My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
yeah no that’s fair
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”