Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
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If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.