Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon