Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
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everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.