Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.