Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
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Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses