Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

it’s the silliest best thing

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth