“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
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Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Story time
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family