Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
You Might Also Like
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
