Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
You Might Also Like
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one