Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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😂😂😂
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
The honesty is refreshing
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich