Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William