Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Care for your back

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

Modded the new Gran Turismo

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.