Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

How I’d get arrested…

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.