Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad