[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
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“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
File under excellent bookstore names.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.