Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
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*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.