Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
You Might Also Like
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.