Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
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i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty