Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

murder on the timeline

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*