Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

So glad we cleared that up

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?