*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,