Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Milk Cube

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

Happy Taco Tuesday

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?