[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
